Sometimes God will tell you things over and over until you hear it. I think that is what happened to me these past couple of weeks. And I wanted to share with the three of you. I’ve been hearing the same message in various forms: on an Instagram post, from a friend, from a coworker. And now I’m like “I GET IT”! Huge lightbulb. I’m sure some of you will say – “duh!!” or “it’s so obvious,” but obvious to one, is not obvious to the other.
My cousin posted someone’s quote:
“Assume all mixed-signals are a no.”
Wow. Mic DROP. It seems so obvious, but I finally get it. A million things became crystal clear. Why do we allow ourselves to live in a state of confusion? When you really want something, you’d rather assume “if it’s not a no, it’s a yes.” That leaves hope and room for things to go your way. To flip it – “if it’s not a resounding yes, it’s a no,” can be hurtful. Why assume rejection if there’s a 1% chance? But living in the 1% is a constant state of not knowing, and that is almost worse than being rejected. As the Queen of the Silver Lining Scenario though, this is very hard to reconcile. Why would I want to assume the pessimistic view? In this particular case, time and time again, the lack of evidence does not make it a yes. Believing that rule just saves a lot of heartache and false expectations. *Mind Blown*
So, let’s take some practical examples: romantic relationships, platonic relationships, jobs, and shopping. The easiest would be shopping. As we become more financially mature, the desire to buy something, without really having a need, becomes lessened. After our basic needs are met, do we really need another pair of shoes? Another dress? another pair of slacks for work? And every year during spring cleaning, as we donate or re-examine things we have never worn, the answer is obviously no, we don’t need those things. And then there’s a shift. We start only buying things we truly love. Of course there’s the random gray area dress that’s on sale, but for the most part, we learn that if we don’t LOVE it, we don’t want it.
Material objects become very black and white. So then jobs are a bit tricky. Not everyone has the privilege to wait for the perfect opportunity. But, if you do have that choice, hold out and do something you love! There will always be aspects of a job that we don’t like, but learning to navigate around that and get 80-95% of what you want is pretty good.
Platonic relationships are harder because we are dealing with people and emotions. It’s hard to shake a plantonic relationship. There’s no “break up” as there might be with a romantic relationship. If you have a friend that always flakes on you, or whose energy and mood is always bringing yours down, that relationship may no longer serve you. And sometimes we go on with relationships that don’t serve us because not taking an action seems like a suitable action. Using this method, we know that’s living in limbo, and so we have to force a decision – either keep the relationship in your life or let it go. And when you are contacted by them, when you thought it was clear you were done, that is when you need to communicate your decision.
Finally, romantic relationships. They are more complicated because of the emotions tied up into them, but really it’s simple – if he or she isn’t making time for you, isn’t communicating at some frequency, and you are at all confused about where you stand, you probably don’t stand too hard. Stop making excuses for them. Stop giving them the benefit of the doubt. Until they prove otherwise, take note that they did not choose you. I know I’m being blunt, but this is for the people in the back, because I think we need to hear it bluntly sometimes. If you are doing all the work or putting in all the effort, they did not choose you. If you have to ask ” do you like me?” they probably don’t. Let’s accept the evidence at face value and move on. If they do want you in their life, they will make it clear.
This is the nugget dropped on me recently. And I think it’s really good. Let’s spend our energy on people who love us and care about us. No more games.